Bad Touch

Why must Hollywood constantly shit on my childhood? It’s not as though I have had some charmed life and deserve the rug being pulled from underneath me. Before I go off let me clarify what it is I’m ranting about today. I recently watched the G.I. Joe trailer for the upcoming flick (that is by now on every channel all the time), and I am outraged yet again. My anger is more tempered because of the atrocity that was last year’s so-called Transformers movie. Which in my opinion should have been titled the “Let’s all look at stupid fucking Shia Labeouf” movie, of course no surprise there. Once Michael Bay’s piece of shit name was attached then we all knew it was going to be crap. What can you expect from a man whose best movie was “Bad Boys 2”! Seriously “Bad Boys 2”! Only a true idiot auteur could screw up giant robots fighting! How hard is it to take something that has worked for nearly 30 yrs in every country on Earth, and turn it into a movie? It’s not like you’re making a movie out of something no one has ever heard of. Some people have spent fortunes collecting Transformers, I personally know two people with transformer tattoos. How the fuck do you look at something that long standing and successful and go-oh wait I’m going to change everything about it and make it suck a huge donkey dick, and not feature the robots at all, I’m just going to focus on this kid who gives me a hard on!” And now my friends I fear they are poised to do it again with G.I. Joe.

From what I have seen so far they have removed Destro’s mask and given him a more authentic (i.e. shitty) Scottish accent. The Baroness looks confused or bored in every clip I have seen. Not to mention they cast Tatum Channing as Duke who even in the cartoon looked about twenty years older than this kid. They stocked a cast tailor made for veteran actors who could really do this movie justice-and put in a team of shitty nobodies. The biggest stars are Marlan Wayans and Dennis Quiad. If you ask me this isn’t worth a direct to video nod off that alone. When was the last time either of those men was in a movie that didn’t go direct to video; “White Girls”? Seriously? On top of that according to the new trailer Joes have to wear something called an “accelerator suit”, what the fuck is that bullshit? When has this ever been a part of the 70 year old Joe mythos? If these jack asses had any sort of common since they would have made the movie more like 24. A lot of espionage with a few big action scenes, focused on setting up characters so that the audience is looking forward to a sequel. Sure they will make a shit ton of money, with all the ad placement and subliminal messages they’re pumping out they’ll hook tons of simple minded idiots whose brains are already mush. I can’t do this to myself again; these fuck-tards have shit on my childhood for the last time. Of course I’ll check out an illegal copy online, but I will not give the fucking director of the “Mummy” (part 1)-my fucking money!!! These shit factory movies has got to stop. How can you take something as awesome as G.I. Joe and turn it into M.A.S.K (look it up)?  

A perfect example of how good this movie could have been, is this new animated G.I. Joe that Adult Swim aired a couple of weeks ago. Not only is it everything the movie should have been and won’t be, but it features the greatest Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow fight in the history of G.I. Joe. I have a feeling that Ray Parks highly choreographed fight in the live action movie will be more Darth Maul than true ninja. I fear what the fuck these asshole are going to pick apart next. They seduced Will Ferrell into remaking “Land of the Lost” (another of my childhood favorites), hopefully that won’t suck too bad it also has Danny McBride who I love. If they try and make a live action “Battle of the Planets” or “Voltron” I will actively begin to burn down theaters.